Deep Thoughts (Humor)

If we laugh more, we literally live longer. p.s. none of these are original – I’m not that funny.

I have been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants – Feefiphobia.
There are 3 main types of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can’t.
“DO NOT TOUCH” would probably be really unsettling to read in Braille.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
When you receive a telemarketer call just say this, “It’s done! But there is blood everywhere!” If they reply, no matter what they say, respond with “Don’t you dare back out on me!”
I am going to hang a map of the world in my house and put pins into all the locations where I have travelled. But first I am going to have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it does not fall down.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
I don’t want a career, I want whatever Bilbo Baggins and the rest of the hobbits had in the shire.
When I die, I want my remains scattered all of the beach. Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second bottle of Worcestershire Sauce?
I wish I was a little kid so I could take a long nap and everyone would be proud of me.
There are a lot of judgmental people out there. I can tell by just looking at them.
The lady at the store gets mad whenever I ask her a bunch of questions about how much different items cost. With that attitude I am going to stop shopping at the Dollar Tree.
If you heard that Tide pods are tasty, you should check out the cotton candy in the attic.
If you watch a video of firefighters rescuing kids in reverse, the firefighters become pure evil.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in to the crowd to see who is next.
If you say “gullible” real slowly, it sounds just like “oranges”.
I saw an old lady crying at Wal-Mart today. She said she lost her stimulus check from the government and couldn’t pay her rent. I felt so bad I gave her $100 because I had just found a check for $1,400 in the parking lot.
When I was growing up, I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more than the zero times it has ever happened.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there…
When I was little, I always wanted to be somebody when I grew up. I guess I should have been more specific.
If your parachute doesn’t open, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart while they’ve never even seen one of his paintings.
When I see lover’s names carved on trees, I think it’s strange how many people bring sharp knives on a date.
If you can’t think of a word, say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people think you are bilingual instead of an idiot.
F.Y.I. – We are taught to pee on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. My apologies to the waitress at the Waffle House this morning.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they would never expect it.
Something we never talk about when it comes to being an adult is how much we debate keeping a cardboard box because you know…it’s a really good box.
If I was being executed by injection, I’d clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I’d say, “Injection? I thought you said inspection” They’d probably feel real bad and maybe I could get out of it.
Don’t trust atoms – they make up everything.
Stop, Drop and Roll was always such a big deal as a kid…I thought I would be on fire more than this as an adult.
Nothing tops a plain pizza.
If pineapples developed a spiky exterior to protect the tasty fruit inside, can you imagine how delicious hedgehogs must taste?
No matter how old you are, when you are buying snacks for a road trip, it should always look like an unsupervised 9-year old was given $100.
If you found out you had only one day left to live, what would you do with it? Response – I would message 10 people on Facebook saying if they didn’t each forward the message to 10 more people, I could die tomorrow.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky, but then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
In reality, plants are actually farming us by giving us oxygen daily until we eventually decompose so that they can consume us.
My neighbor’s diary says I don’t respect boundaries.
Shout out to whoever created the word “plethora”, it means a lot.
For all we know, half the birds chirping are telling the other half to shut up.
I love the way the Earth rotates. It really makes my day!
If we could just add Puerto Rico, the District of Columbia, and Guam as states, we would have 53 states, and 53 is a prime number. This means we can truly be one nation, indivisible…
Take your age and add 5 years to it. Now that will be your age in 5 years.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
If poison is past it’s expiration date is it no longer poisonous?
Did you know that socks that go missing in the laundry come back as Tupperware lids that don’t fit anything?
People who work in customer service should be allowed to fight one customer per day.
It’s funny how people like to say “avoid that like the plague” and then the plague literally showed up in 2020 and millions of people do very little to avoid it.
I’ve just released my own fragrance. Nobody in the car seemed to like it.
I think it should be a law that if you ever get sucked up in a tornado, whatever you can grab with your hands while swirling around you get to keep.
To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, an it doesn’t have that dangerous beak.
It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of wings on the front porch to show them what I am capable of.
I think it is disgraceful that after 50 years, people don’t know who Neil Armstrong is, or the type of trumpet he played.
We should have an “oldest kid in the family day” where we celebrate the oldest kids for taking one for the team and letting their parents use them as guinea pigs when it comes to parenting.
Save the business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidently, just write “sorry” on the back of the card and leave it on the windshield.
If something costs an arm and a leg, you can only buy two.
The closest I have ever come to bungie jumping was when I was born.
I’ve found that if you tuck one part of your pant legs into your sock, people expect less of you.
Edison once said, “Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.” Should someone that sweaty really be working with electricity?
What if your dog one day just randomly said, “Nobody is going to believe you” and then never spoke again.
They say “Don’t give up on your dreams.” So I went back to sleep.
I ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s this morning. His mom was furious.
A friend of mine suggested putting horse manure on strawberries…I’m never doing that again, I’m going back to whipped cream.
If you say “It’s so hot out” out loud then someone from Arizona will materialize out of thin air and tell you you’ve never experienced real heat before.
People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.
To be frank, I’d have to change my name.
Build a man a fire and he stays warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he stays warm the rest of his life.
If you’re paying $5 for a bottle of smart water, it isn’t working.
The face of a child can say a lot, especially the mouth part.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are always in the wrong pocket.
Have you ever thought that the moon we are looking at is the same moon Shakespeare, Cleopatra, Van Gogh, and Frederick Douglass all looked at. They all looked at the moon and they are now all dead. The moon is killing people – wake up America.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me mad with someone says something like, “Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 that you owe me?”. Man, quit being so cheap!
There is nothing as pleasant as the sound of a child’s laughter. Unless it is 3 in the morning. And you are home alone. And you don’t have any children.
The best item to protect you from a Big Foot attack is a camera.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and no one got scared.
If you answer the phone with, “Hello, you’re on the air!” most telemarketers will quickly hang up
Do you know that awkward moment when you leave a store but you have not bought anything and you’re telling yourself, “act natural, stay calm, I’m innocent.”
The sinking of the Titanic must have seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved them.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A yawn is really a silent scream for caffeine.
Who was the first person to look inside an oyster and think, “That big piece of mucus looks delicious!”
When you see someone wearing camouflage, be sure to walk into them so they know it’s working.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house, so I bought her a magazine rack!
Nightmares are really just free horror movies that you produce, direct, and star in.
What aren’t apartments called togetherments?
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup must be a smoothie.
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be whomever I wanted. I soon found out that the police call that identity theft.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to my dog like I am a blackjack dealer.
My son was about to make a horrific discovery, “Dad, isn’t it weird that the word chicken can be an animal or a type of food?”
If Mary had the baby Jesus and he is the Lamb of God, then is it not true that Mary had a little lamb?
If my calculations are correct, biscuits and Triscuits hint towards a mysterious third food called “monoscuits”.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius but his brother Frank was a real monster.
Why do people say they slept like a baby? Does that mean they woke up every two hours, filled a diaper, and cried uncontrollably?
The perfect stocking stuffer is a severed foot.
I stayed up all night to watch the moon set…then it dawned on me.
If you are waiting for the waiter, aren’t you the waiter?
Before drawing boards were invented, what did they go back to?
It really takes guts to be an organ donor.
Honey is the tastiest of all the insect vomits I have tried so far.
I’m so thankful I learned about parallelograms in school instead of taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
“Do what you love and the money will follow.” I ate a pizza, drank a milkshake, took a 5 hour nap, and played with my dog. Now I wait…
If we come from dust, we will return to dust. That’s why I don’t dust. It could be someone I know.
Why is Miss Universe always from Earth?
When I was young and learning how to count, it was odd at first, even then.
Deja Poo – The feeling of having heard this crap before
Cannibal – Someone fed up with people
I just watched “Jaws” backwards. It is a heartwarming story about a shark giving out limbs to the disabled.
I named my dog, “Tenmiles” so I can tell people I walked Ten Miles.
Do you think songbirds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the words?
I heard ABBA and Elvis Costello will be touring together. It’s the ABBA and Costello concert – I wonder who is on first?
I have been thinking a lot about infinity recently. I can’t tell you how much it means to me.
Its totally acceptable to tell someone to have a nice day, but if it was phrased as, “enjoy your next 24 hours,” somehow that’s threatening.
If you give a man a match, he stays warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire and he stays warm the rest of his life.
My wife told me I was being immature…I told her to get out of my fort
I created a new word yesterday…plagiarism